Forward and then Backwards

I still have my appointment in Minot with the new Dr. But I have another appointment on the 29th with my current Doctor in town.  I just need to have more answers about want caused my first C-section before I can accept an automatic required 2nd C-section.  I have been really struggling with facing the birth of Peanut, either VBAC or RPCS because of how Conner's Birth went.I also need more answers as to why she thinks 2 years is the "golden" rule even though the hospital in town allows you to try after 18 months.  I know with attempting a VBAC that a 2nd C-Section is possible I think that what scares me the most that I will again not be present for the birth of Peanut. 

On a positive note.  We are building our garage, the basic carpentry is done and the roof is almost fully shingled. My parents and uncle are coming this weekend to work on it again.  Along with our friends Hans and Samantha and their 2 boys.  So we will have a house full.

I am also 17 week today!!  I am more and more exhausted everyday.  Also I puke this morning after smelling the dog food, this pregnancy is so different than the one with Conner. 

Moving Forward

Mike and I have decided to get a 2nd opinion on attempting a VBAC.  My Dr referred me so someone in Minot, about 2 hours away.  I have an appointment on June 6th.  We have a few more questions to ask the Dr here in town before we make the trip to Minot.  It is such a difficult decision to make.  I want to have the experience of delivering a baby but I don't want to put either of us at risk. But again that said there are risked to a repeat C-section also.  I am so looking forward to adding another baby to our family.... but I am scared to death about the actual birth and the numerous things that can go wrong.

Defeated

I feel so defeated. I had a Doctors appointment for Peanut for today. No go on the VBAC, at all. Apparently you have to have 2 years between births before they even consider you for a VBAC. She said even Minot, 2 hours away and Bismarck, 4 hours away would not even consider me. And the clinic I go to is the only one is town so it is not like I have another option, unless I want a home-birth with a lay midwife which we are not comfortable with. I cried, and continue too. 

I feel like a failure. A woman's body is supposed to be able to give birth. I want the experience of pulling my baby out, holding it right away, being able to care for the baby right away. But no big fat failure over here. 

I feel like no one "gets it" and it sucks.  I hate when people say "all that matter is a healthy Mom and a healthy baby."  Yes while physically I will be alive, I will be having MAJOR abdominal surgery.  I will be stuck in a bed for 24+ hours after my baby is born. I will have to have who knows how many drugs pumped into me and there for my baby.  Which affect the Breast Feeding starting again, and I am worried about the baby being on formula like Conner.  There is no anticipation of the unknown of when the baby will decide to make his or her appearance, I just walk into the hospital on my assigned SURGERY date.  Instead of being in the hospital for a day I will be there a minimum of 3 days, away from my 1st baby.  Then when I do get home I will not be able to care for Conner or pick him up afterwards for 2 weeks!!  His life is already going to be turned upside down with a new baby and then mommy can't pick him up makes me feel like a double failure.        

The good news is baby's heart beat is perfect between 150 and 160.  Plus I did not gain as much weight as I expected I would have. (so I had ice cream tonight!)  I did keep it together enough to ask some about natural c-section. I asked about being able to hold the baby in the ER and BF right away. Dr said assuming baby and I were healthy and doing ok that was 100% ok. She want to make the experience as good as possible and what I want. But is still sucks.  And I am still mad...and crying.

I am Alive

Life has been crazy.  But I am alive.  Conner keeps Mike and I on our toes at all times.  Today he is 14 months old.  How time flies.  He love to run around, dance to music, chase the dog and cat, and he especially likes to EAT.  Mike and I may need to both get 2nd jobs to help pay for the food he seem to put in his bottomless pit. 

 I also have a bit of other news...

We are expecting a Peanut!!! That's right baby number 2 is in the oven! The Due Date is 6 months from today, November 1st. I plan to my pregnancy updates here, just like I did with Conner.