Defeated

I feel so defeated. I had a Doctors appointment for Peanut for today. No go on the VBAC, at all. Apparently you have to have 2 years between births before they even consider you for a VBAC. She said even Minot, 2 hours away and Bismarck, 4 hours away would not even consider me. And the clinic I go to is the only one is town so it is not like I have another option, unless I want a home-birth with a lay midwife which we are not comfortable with. I cried, and continue too. 

I feel like a failure. A woman's body is supposed to be able to give birth. I want the experience of pulling my baby out, holding it right away, being able to care for the baby right away. But no big fat failure over here. 

I feel like no one "gets it" and it sucks.  I hate when people say "all that matter is a healthy Mom and a healthy baby."  Yes while physically I will be alive, I will be having MAJOR abdominal surgery.  I will be stuck in a bed for 24+ hours after my baby is born. I will have to have who knows how many drugs pumped into me and there for my baby.  Which affect the Breast Feeding starting again, and I am worried about the baby being on formula like Conner.  There is no anticipation of the unknown of when the baby will decide to make his or her appearance, I just walk into the hospital on my assigned SURGERY date.  Instead of being in the hospital for a day I will be there a minimum of 3 days, away from my 1st baby.  Then when I do get home I will not be able to care for Conner or pick him up afterwards for 2 weeks!!  His life is already going to be turned upside down with a new baby and then mommy can't pick him up makes me feel like a double failure.        

The good news is baby's heart beat is perfect between 150 and 160.  Plus I did not gain as much weight as I expected I would have. (so I had ice cream tonight!)  I did keep it together enough to ask some about natural c-section. I asked about being able to hold the baby in the ER and BF right away. Dr said assuming baby and I were healthy and doing ok that was 100% ok. She want to make the experience as good as possible and what I want. But is still sucks.  And I am still mad...and crying.