2 years: Callentines Day

Two years ago this morning my brother Callen lost his live doing what he loved, snowboarding and hanging out with friends.  I cannot believe it has been two years.  Some days it feels like yesterday and I am drawn back into the grief.  Other days if feels like ages ago it happened and since I have seem or talked to Callen. 

I remember laying in bed Sunday February 14th, 2010 in our Anchorage Condo.  Snuggling with Mike.  I had decided to play hooky from church and stay with Mike since he had worked the night before, getting home at 6 am.  Around 8:30 my dad called me.  He and mom typically forget that Alaska is a 3 hour time difference on Sunday mornings so I ignored his call.  He called again, then my mom called. Again I ignored them.  Then the associate pastor at our Alaska church called around 9:30 or 10:00, again I did not pick up the phone, but decided it was a sign that the world wanted me to get out of bed for the day.

While still laying in bed I listened to the voice mail that my dad had left me.  It said to call him as soon as I could because Callen had been in a snowboarding accident.  I woke Mike up to tell him Callen had been in an accident.  I had this pit in the bottom of my stomach that something was seriously wrong.  Mike said, "I am sure everything is fine, call them back."  I called my dad and he did not pick up.  So I frantically called my mom who answered but I could tell by her voice it was not good.  

Then she asked me if I was sitting down and where Mike was.  I told her that he was laying in bed next to me sleeping.  She told me to wake him up.  Then told me that Callen had been snowboarding, got in an accident, and DIED!!  I am pretty sure I started sobbing and yelling no here and my mom told me to give Mike the phone.  I remember saying over and over I need to get back home, I need to go to Minnesota NOW.  I need to be with my family. 

Mike got off the phone and held me a long while.  He then sprung into action. First he called work to tell them he would not be coming in that night.  Brought me water and Kleenex.  Made a few other calls.  I remember laying in bed and receiving a call from Brad, who I call my 2nd Dad.  He is also a pilot.  He said not to worry about making travel arrangement that him and his wife Carla would let us know what flights we were on ASAP.  I remember being in the bathroom just staring in the mirror when Mike called up stairs to tell me that Jay and Robbie, who were the youth director and a Mom from our church, were coming over.  And then I remember my good friend Samantha coming in with her son Jacob, telling me that the associate pastor at church told her about Callen and she came right over.           

To say I was a mess would be an understatement.  I was trying to pull out our suitcases.  Clean up my scrap booking stuff from the night before that was all around the living room so my house did not look so messy with people coming over.  Robbie got here and told me to sit down relax, put a prayer shawl over my shoulders and prayed with me. 

 After a while Samantha, Jay and Robbie left and it was just Mike and I.  I called my mom to make sure Callen's girlfriend Rachel knew before I posted anything on Facebook.  Then the news really spread.  Callen's friend Jamison with in hours posted a video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yb6cxOpQ2Ko&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PLE46BB18B0F0A87E0) .  Profile pictures changed to Callen.  Another one of his friends started a "In Loving Memory of Callen Fuchs" Group on Facebook.  Mike talked back and forth with Brad and got our reservation numbers for flights out of Anchorage that night, stopping in Seattle and getting into Minneapolis on the 15th.  

I went back up to just lay in bed and my dad called me back.  He wanted to know if they should keep Callen on life support so I could say good bye or not.  I decided I that I had a picture of Callen in my head and I did not want to see him hooked up to a ton of tubes.  Plus we donated what organs of Callen's we could and the sooner they were removed and transplanted the better. 

The rest of the day I really do not remember.  I have a memory of calling my parents from the airport before the plane took off.  I remember trying to sleep and read in the Seattle Airport.  And I remember crying a lot, wondering what everyone else in the airport was flying to.  

The morning of the 15th Brad and Carla picked us up at the airport, with Brad being a pilot they were able to meet us right at the gates.  We collected our bags and headed to my parents house.  Mom and dad were still driving back from Michigan but there were a bunch of people at the house.  From there on it was all about being together with family and friends.  I was so out of it for the first few days.  Being around big groups of people totally put me off and I often retreated into my bedroom to sleep, cry and question why.  

Today 2-14-2012 I can't help but miss Callen.  I wish he were here with me and Mike to celebrate the upcoming birth of Blueberry.  I know he would be an amazing uncle.  Losing Callen has made me be thankful for what I have and to try to live each day to it's fullest.  He taught me so much with how he lived his life.  I wish I had spent more time telling him how much I loved him when he was here.

So call you sibling today and tell them that you love them and how lucky you are that they are in your life.  

Happy Callentines Day.   

One Year Seven Months

It has been one year and seven months since Callen has not been with us. It still sucks. Most of the time I do ok and go on living life in a “new normal,” but then sometimes it hits me that he is not coming back. It sucks now that Mike and I are going to have a baby; that our child will NEVER EVER get to know their Uncle Callen. I know he would be the crazy uncle too. Teaching them to play instruments and taking them on adventures. I know our child will always know of Callen but they will never experience a Callen hug or hear in person his infectious laugh.

The holidays coming up will be hard also. Last year Mike and I were in Alaska by ourselves and could somewhat ignore that Callen was missing from the festivities. There will be no way of ignoring it this year. Mom and Dad are coming to our house for Thanksgiving, Callen will not. Mike and I are going to Minnesota around Christmas Callen will not be there to welcome us. The holidays will be like this from now on. Our child and any future children will never have cousins on my side. Of course I am close to my cousins and their children will be like cousins to ours but never TRUE cousins. Thankfully our child will have plenty of cousins on Mike side, currently 3 with another one due in November. But my side it will only be our children. This makes me sad.

I know Callen would want us all to go on with life and be happy. Doing what makes us happy and spreading his love. So I try my hardest to push on.

One year



My family's hands on Callen's Drum
Photo by Blasing Shots Photography

 One year ago today my world was turned upside down.  And while I am still struggling to find the top again, I am slowly getting there.  I miss Callen more than I will ever be able to express is words .  He was an amazing brother, friend, and person.  Truly looking for the good in others and taking on most challenges in life as an adventure.

Hopefully I can take some of that adventure spirit and apply it in the next couple weeks.  Today I put in my two week notice at work!  Mike put in his last Thursday.  We are moving to North Dakota, (so I will have to rename my blog.)  Mike has landed a job as a Police Officer!!!  (I am so proud of him.) And I will be accepting a job with the North Dakota Department of Transportation.  I am so excited to be moving back closer to family.  We will be a 12 hour drive from our parents and Mike even has family in the town we are moving to!!  We are so blessed that Mike found this job and that I was able to secure not one but two job offers in the same town with in 2 weeks of applying for jobs in the area.  I know for sure that Callen had a hand in making everything fall into place.

These next couple weeks will be very stressful packing, saying good bye to the many friend we have in Alaska, and driving the Al-Can in March.  My parents will be helping us drive the 2,600 miles from Anchorage to our new town.  Please keep us in your prayer not only today as we remember Callen, but in the weeks to come as we start our new adventure.   

I so wish I could be in Minnesota today to hug, cry and remember with family and friends.  But I send my love from the north and can't wait to see you all soon.

Love you so so much Callen.

11 months

Dear Callen,

I cannot believe that you have been gone for 11 months.  It seems like ages ago since I have talked to you. But at times it feels like I just got the call yesterday.  I miss you tons.  I have vowed to make 2011 better than 2010.  I promise you that I am going to try to be happy and excited about life again, in both the ups and downs.
 
Callen you would LOVE Cora.  She is so sweet.  She has a personality and a few quirks.  Like her ears and her tail... or lack there of.  I think she is going to bring a lot of joy back into our lives and maybe a little terror to Java's.  Maybe you can send me a little patience when I work with her.
  
BIG CHANGES ARE COMING SOON. 

Callen please give me strength patience and a sense of adventure.

Love you and Miss you always...

2010 in review



January- Trip to Hawaii with Mom and Dad






Febraury- Callen, Photo by Blasing Shots Photography

  


March- Back to Alaska- Star Wars Exhibit



April- Easter in Whitter, Mom in AK



May - Kodiak



June- More Kodiak and Mike in MN



July- Tattoo, Mom and Dad in AK, Camping with Samantha and Hans, Fishing 



August- Camping, G&G I and Mike Sr in AK



September- Marja in Ak, 2 year Anniversary

October- Fall hikes, went home to MN



  



November: Home in MN, Thanksgiving Photo by Blasing Shots Photography



December- Winter wonder land and Christmas

Ten Month and a Birthday

Callen,

I cannot believe you have been gone for 10 months!  I miss you every day.  The winter weather, long night and short days have not helped.  I am not in the holiday spirit this year.  I just wish you could come back.  Kim posted on Facebook that you made Kiya's Christmas list.  I think you are on a lot of peoples Christmas Lists.  Some days I am good, I miss you but I am functional. Other days it is like walking in the fog, wandering aimlessly.  I know if you were here you would be enjoying life, making a difference.

Callen on his 22nd birthday

Your 22nd  birthday is on Sunday.  We have to best pictures of you with your brownie on your birthday last year.  You look so excited to eat it.  I also have picture from your 3rd birthday with your cake, it has Fire Trucks on it.

Not sure why it is sideways but so cute...

Happy Birthday Callen... Thank you for all the gifts you have given to me. These past 10 months.

Feeling better

As the previous post said I have had a bit of winter gloom.  Yesterday was by far the worst.  I woke up at 6:00 really missing Callen and not wanting to get out of bed.  After crying for almost 45 minutes and talking to Mike I decided that going into work was just not going to happen.  I went back to sleep, called in to work at 9, then slept until 11.  When we woke up I stayed in bed reading until 12:30.  Mike the wonderful husband he is brought me breakfast/lunch in bed. 

After getting up cleaning a bit we did some running around.  We went to the Vet office to get Java some more food, to Office Depot to get some ink, and then to Alaska Mill and Feed.  Mike had called Alaska Mill and Feed to see their prices on Christmas tree and found out they started as low as $15.  Well the $15 trees were only 3 feet tall so we went up to the $35 4-5 foot tree an got a bushy tree.  I have to highly recommend Alaska Mill and Feed to anyone in Anchorage looking for a tree, they were really helpful, had the trees in a ware house that smelled really yummy, wrapped the tree ina plastic bag so you could but it in the back of the car instead of on top, and I felt better buying from a local company vs a national chain like Home Depot.

We go the tree set up last night and will decorate it this weekend.  I am happy to say I took my last test for the Arctic Engineering course I am/was in!  It only took me 1.5 hours!  After I finished my test Mike and I went out to Carrs and got some Chinese food for dinner.  They have this "Feast for Two" for only $10.99.  You get 2 egg rolls, 2 entrees, a fried rice and a LowMein box.  We ate our fill and still have enough to eat another meal. Last night we vegged on the couch and went to bed early.

I am happy to say waking up Friday morning I feel 100% better.

I also want to say Happy Anniversary to my Grandma and Grandpa Bjerke.  They celebrated 50 years of wedded bliss yesterday!  Congrats!

Winter Gloom

Sorry for anyone who's following my blog I have just not been in the writing mood the last couple of weeks.

This holiday season is hard for me and the darkness of an Alaskan winter seems me be pressing on me more this year than in the past. 

A friend, Liz, from high school posted on her facebook for extra prayers today, her little brother, JP, passed away two years ago today at the age of 21.  JP, like Callen, was a lovable guy.  He had the greatest sense of humor and could make everyone laugh, with the crazy stories he told.  Both Liz and JP were on the Shot Put and Discus team with me in high school.  I remember after Saturday practices we would all load up and go to OCB (Old Country Buffet).  Getting the soup bowls to use for ice cream, since the ice cream ones were so tiny.  I also worked with JP as a cart person at Target in high school.  He made the hours go by faster, was a hard worker and would make everyone laugh.  It sucks that both Liz and I have to go through losing our only sibling, our younger brother, someone who could light up a room with their charm.  It sucks that our parents had to lose their only son, and youngest child.  It sucks that all the family functions in the future look so much different now than they did before.  JP is missed by many.

     

In other news Mike and I have been busy decorating for Christmas.  Changing the table cloth and candles.  Exchanging the fall decoration with leafs for snowmen and Santa's. And I put out our 3 nativity scenes.  I have a Willow Angel set, a Precious Moments set and a new porcelain set  this year from my mom (her and my grandma have the same one).  We are debating whether or not we will get a tree.  As Grinchy as it sounds a live tree is a lot of work and who other then us is going to see it?  And we have no place to store an artificial tree. One of the locally owned green houses has some small trees so we might go get one of those to put a few ornaments on and the presents under.

Speaking of presents we are 100% done with Christmas Shopping.  I just have a few things to finish wrapping and then we will ship the box off to Minnesota for Mike's family.  We gave my parents a sign for their cabin in November, as their Christmas gift.  Can I say that it hits me over and over again that I do not get to buy Callen a gift this year.  I wish I could buy him a ticket to come and visit us up here because I know that he would LOVE it.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

“Develop an attitude of gratitude,

and give thanks for everything that happens to you,

knowing that every step forward is a step toward

achieving something bigger and better

than your current situation.”

~ Brian Tracy

I love this quote... but some times have a hard time staying true to it.
Here are a few of the things I am thankful for today:

• For my wonderful husband Mike
• For my parents who love me and support my decisions
• For my extended family
• For my church families in Alaska and in Minnesota
• For all our friends
• For our Kitty, Java
• For the jobs that both Mike and I have
• For our new apartment
• For a warm place to sleep at night
• For the bounty of food we have in the cupboards
• For the warm clothes in our closets
• For our cars which get us to point A to B
• For our Sunday School kids who bring a smile to my face every week
• For the youth we work with on Wednesday nights who keep us young
• I am thankful for the time I had with Callen

Still with all this to be thankful for, I sit here and wonder why Callen is not here.  I miss him tons.  I wish he was here. I am thankful for all the great times I had with him.  His smile, his hugs, his love for life, his love for music and his love of God.  I am thankful for the difference Callen is still making, even when he is gone. 

Happy Thanksgiving... Love you Callen

Nine Months

Yesterday was the 9 month Anniversary of Callens passing.  Let me tell you it still stinks.  I miss him every day.  and I know these next 2 months are going to be really hard with Thanksgiving and Christmas without him.  When we were home Mike and I went and visited the "Callen Tree" at a local park in Lakeville that his friends stated for him.  We painted on it I painted a Tree and said that I loved him and Mike wrote "Give what you Can" and drew a Ying Yang.  My friend Lauren McKinney who is awesome took some pictures of us at the park.  Here is one of my favorites in front of his tree.

Miss you Callen XOXO

I found this quote today

“I am responsible.
Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening,
I am responsible for my attitude toward
the inevitable misfortunes that darken life.
Bad things do happen;
how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life.
I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness,
immobilized by the gravity of my loss,
or I can choose to rise from the pain
and treasure the most precious gift I have –
life itself.”

~ Walter Anderson

I like it...

EIGHT MONTHS

I still get struck with grief at random times, 8 months later. For example yesterday I was poking around on blogger and I find a tab that has places your blog is refereed from. I click on a blog that has referenced mine and bam there is a description of Callen service (http://glossary-of-field-work.blogspot.com/2010/02/420.html) and 2 months later here (http://glossary-of-field-work.blogspot.com/2010/04/449-still-thinking-about-him.html). I love that Callen touched so many peoples lives. That his heart was made of Gold. As my mom posted face book Callen was an Angel. And I know he still is up above us.

I recently went out a purchased and read the book "Choosing to SEE" but Mary Beth Chapman. It is about her struggle with grief after loosing her 5 year old daughter, Maria. And how their family has worked through the grief. Always trying to SEE what God had planned for them in the future. Trusting that God had a bigger purpose for Maria's Death, than death alone. The book made me laugh, remember, cry, questions, and grow. I will not lie, I still question why God took Callen. But seeing posts in Facebook about how Callen has taught so many people so many things has allowed me to start to SEE why he was taken when he was. At the same time it as if people have "moved on," with fewer new posts on his memory page and his personal profile but I am guilty of not posting there as well.

This past week I have tried to SEE more. Last Saturday on my first outside run I was nervous and worried about pacing myself, running out of steam and what others would think seeing my red face panting. About 30 seconds before I was supposed to start running 2 Eagles flew over head. I know they flew over right then because if I had started running already no way would have I looked up. Then Monday night I went on another outdoor run a different way. After my run I was walking back to the condo and over head flew another Eagle. 3 eagles in 2 runs not to bad it you ask me. Before reading the book I would say no big deal, wee have eagles around here, but it really spoke to me, like Callen was watching over and tellign me I could do it, plus my mom has a thing with eagles and Callen!

Mike and I are also reaching out and enjoying nature a little more this fall taking a few walks at Kincaid park. It is so pretty out there and  we have to keep our eyes open for moose, porcupine and bear. Tuesday night we drove down there for a walk after dinner. First off it gets cold early in Alaska now, there was frost on the ground. We hiked down into a couple valleys and then back up to this ridge. We made it to the top of the ridge just in time to see the sun disappear behind the mountains, at 7:00 PM. The sky was full of color and it reflected on the water. It was breath taking... and then we turned around and the mountains had an amazing pink glow to them. I really love the colors nature creates.  God true paints the sky and the trees and the mountains.

I miss you Callen.

C25K progress

I am officially farther into the C25k Program than I have ever been before! I did workout 6.1 tonight. I ran for 20 minutes on Saturday for the first time since February 13th. It was a little difficult the last 5 minutes especially but I did it, only stopping for like 10 second to stretch out my right cafe that was cramping up.

Not much else exciting is going on up here. Saturday night I went to a scrapbooking crop and got a few pages done. It snowed a bit yesterday. Nothing stuck to the ground in town but the tops of the mountains still had some on then today. Sunday afternoon I went to a local drum circle... lets just say that Callen got all the rhythm and I got none. It was fun and gave me something to do but it is going to take A LOT of practice for me to sound ok. Mike is working nights, which equals a bored and lazy me until Thursday.

I did do some baking tonight. I made Donut Muffins... and ate two. They are so so yummy. I got the recipe here http://jennifer-elise.blogspot.com/2010/09/donut-muffins.html. I started them at 8:15 and they were eaten before 9:00. I think this is going to be a go to recipe from now on.

7 months

Callen,

I cannot believe that it has been 7 months since I have been able to talk to you. I miss you a lot. I still do not know what I am passionate about, can you help me with that? It is already fall, many of your friend went to Harvest Fest last weekend. Some swear that they saw you, I know you were looking over it jamming from above. I wish you could have been up here this summer and see Alaska, especially this week, which has been beautiful.

Love you lots

Me

Questions

????????????????????
I am Struggling with life.
What way is up?
What way is down?
Why am I tired.all.the.time?
Why can I not fall asleep at night?
What do I want to do?
How am I going to make a difference in this world?
What am I passionate about?
Why am I not enjoying life to the fullest?
Who do I need to talk to?
What do I need to learn?
What questions do I ask?
Is it me?
Is it the situation am I unhappy with?
Do I need to look at life with "Callen's" eyes?
Who am I?

6 months

Dear Callen,

I cannot believe that you left us six months ago. Where has the time gone? It seems like you were just here but it seems like I have not talked to you in AGES. You made so many people laugh and smile. My new place has pieces of you everywhere. I have your paintings, glass pieces, and the jewelry you made. In addition I have my tattoo to look at all.the.time.

To honor you today I am going to do some yoga, then go get a hot stone massage, and get my artsy side by doing some scrapbooking this evening.

Love you
Megan

Should I attempt this again...C25K

The day before Callen died I blogged about how excited I was that I was able to run for 20 minutes without stopping. It was my 2nd or 3rd attempt at the C25K and I was getting so so close, well to the end of week 5 at least. Well since then I have not so much as stepped on the tread mill, until last night. I will confess I had not been to the gym since BEFORE I went to Kodiak... YIKES! I have been to Yoga a few times and have been on many walks on the coastal trail. So finally last night Mike and I got off our growing butts and made our way to the gym. I did Week 1 Day 1 of the the program for the 3rd or 4th time and Mike just ran. I did OK I was not completely beat by the end of it, but it was no 20 minute jog. Mike on the other hand was able to run 1.25 miles with out stopping, after not running for 3 month. How does this work?

Oh well I will get there. If I have calculated it right I should be able to complete it by October 11th. So my goal is to be able to run for 30 minutes without stopping by the time Mike and I go to Minnesota, which is the 29th of October!! I know I can do it, I just have to force myself to go to the gym and get by butt of the couch. My real goal is to be able to run a 5K race next summer so I will have all winter to work on it.

Mr Callen Fuchs

Mr Callen Fuchs

I miss you.

I still hate this, 5.5 months later.

I wish you and Rachel had come up and visited Alaska with Mom and Dad.

I wish I could call and talk to you.

Why did you have to leave this earth so so young?

Why didn't I talk to you more when you were here?

Why didn't I tell you I loved you more?

Why didn't I tell you how glad I was that you were MY brother?

Oh Callen,

How I wish I had your passion for life.

How I wish I had your talent for music.

How I wish I had your ability to see the good in everyone.

Callen

Please send me your love.

Please send my even an ounce of the passion you had.

Please send me a sign that everything will be OK, even without you here.

Tattoo

Well I did it, I got my tattoo last night! and yes getting a tattoo on your foot hurts... a lot. I hurt a lot physically but I knew the pain would end vs hurting emotionally over Callen and not seeing an end... ever. Much to Mikes dismay I did not cry, tear up yes, not I did not cry. I almost made him cry with my death grip. For the most part I just laid on the table, on my side trying to keep my lower body relaxed, gripping the side of the table and Mike's hand. I did not hear anything that was going on around me, I was trying to focus and breath. Mike said multiple people stopped in the room and talked with the tattoo artist, Greg, but I heard nothing. Once it was done however I did hear numerous tattoo artists say they would never get a tattoo on their foot because of the pain and that they were impressed that I did not move my foot at all when he was working. In my mind to stiller I could stay they easier it was for him and the fast it would be over haha. The tattoo looks a bit dark right now and seem HUGE on my foot but when it heals it will lighten some and really it is only 2.5" in diameter, exactly what I told them I wanted.

I think Callen would really like it and now every time I look down at it I can think of his adventurous life. I miss Callen a lot and did not sleep to well last night because I was thinking of him. What would he say about his fairly conservative sister getting a tattoo before him? Would he like it? I miss Callen's passion for life. I miss his big brown eyes and the smile that can light up the room. While I am slowly healing I still have times of massive grief resting on my heart.

Today my foot started out at its normal size but throughout the day it has swelled... a lot. I called the tattoo place and they said it was normal to take some Advil and elevate it. It does not help that the air system in my building is BROKEN today so the only air circulation I have is my tiny 8" fan. FYI they told me to not ice it unless absolutely necessary. Looks like this is where I will stay tonight... on the couch.

p.s. I will post some pictures of our new place, you can see the floors and new rug in the picture above :)

Five Months

Wow I cannot believe it has been over 5 months since I have talked to Callen. I miss him with all my heart, soul and mind. I am reminded of him daily by others with dreads, in the things I do and the music I listen to.
Today another blog that I follow, A Ruby Family (http://Rubybaby09.blogspot.com) is suffering through the exact.same.thing. Ashley's 22 year old brother Charlie died suddenly in a car accident. I cannot help but have tears running down my face thinking that another family is going through this.
Monday I found out that my childhood friend and neighbor SSGT Kyle Malin was injured while serving our country in Afghanistan, he was on his 3rd tour there. The vehicle ahead of his hit a road side bomb, he ran up to help when another one went off. He has had both legs amputated, one leg above the knee, the other just below the knee. Last I heard he was in a comma and on his way to Germany to recover and then he will be transferred to Walter Reed Army Medical Hospital. I think I am more in shock about this then anything else. I feel so bad for his wife, two sons under 5, his parents and his sister who was my best friend growing up. His life will forever be changed not only physically, but emotionally and mentally. The Army is what he had wanted to do since I can remember. I remember Kyle "painting" Callen with his army painted, Callen thought it was so cool. They would run around plying army and recking havoc on their sisters.
I have decided that Life is not Fair. Why do good young people get injured and die suddenly? Why do good people get hit again and again with bad luck? However I do know that God will only test us with events he knows we can get through...

Four Months

Callen,

I cannot believe that it have been 4 months since you left us. I miss you so much. I miss having to call you to remind you about mother day, moms birthday, fathers day and other stuff. I look at pictures of you and truly treasure the brother that you are to me. Last night I went over to a co-workers house for dinner. She has 2 sons and a daughter. He middle son is CRAZY, and totally reminds me of you running around the house making up games and bugging his big sister. I wish I could go back and play more with you, instead of being the annoyed older sister. I wish I could call you and tell you that you were the best little brother EVER, but I have to settle with telling you over the Internet and with my heart. I hope you take care of your self up there, please send me your love.

XOXO

Megan