Moving Forward

Mike and I have decided to get a 2nd opinion on attempting a VBAC.  My Dr referred me so someone in Minot, about 2 hours away.  I have an appointment on June 6th.  We have a few more questions to ask the Dr here in town before we make the trip to Minot.  It is such a difficult decision to make.  I want to have the experience of delivering a baby but I don't want to put either of us at risk. But again that said there are risked to a repeat C-section also.  I am so looking forward to adding another baby to our family.... but I am scared to death about the actual birth and the numerous things that can go wrong.

Defeated

I feel so defeated. I had a Doctors appointment for Peanut for today. No go on the VBAC, at all. Apparently you have to have 2 years between births before they even consider you for a VBAC. She said even Minot, 2 hours away and Bismarck, 4 hours away would not even consider me. And the clinic I go to is the only one is town so it is not like I have another option, unless I want a home-birth with a lay midwife which we are not comfortable with. I cried, and continue too. 

I feel like a failure. A woman's body is supposed to be able to give birth. I want the experience of pulling my baby out, holding it right away, being able to care for the baby right away. But no big fat failure over here. 

I feel like no one "gets it" and it sucks.  I hate when people say "all that matter is a healthy Mom and a healthy baby."  Yes while physically I will be alive, I will be having MAJOR abdominal surgery.  I will be stuck in a bed for 24+ hours after my baby is born. I will have to have who knows how many drugs pumped into me and there for my baby.  Which affect the Breast Feeding starting again, and I am worried about the baby being on formula like Conner.  There is no anticipation of the unknown of when the baby will decide to make his or her appearance, I just walk into the hospital on my assigned SURGERY date.  Instead of being in the hospital for a day I will be there a minimum of 3 days, away from my 1st baby.  Then when I do get home I will not be able to care for Conner or pick him up afterwards for 2 weeks!!  His life is already going to be turned upside down with a new baby and then mommy can't pick him up makes me feel like a double failure.        

The good news is baby's heart beat is perfect between 150 and 160.  Plus I did not gain as much weight as I expected I would have. (so I had ice cream tonight!)  I did keep it together enough to ask some about natural c-section. I asked about being able to hold the baby in the ER and BF right away. Dr said assuming baby and I were healthy and doing ok that was 100% ok. She want to make the experience as good as possible and what I want. But is still sucks.  And I am still mad...and crying.

I am Alive

Life has been crazy.  But I am alive.  Conner keeps Mike and I on our toes at all times.  Today he is 14 months old.  How time flies.  He love to run around, dance to music, chase the dog and cat, and he especially likes to EAT.  Mike and I may need to both get 2nd jobs to help pay for the food he seem to put in his bottomless pit. 

 I also have a bit of other news...

We are expecting a Peanut!!! That's right baby number 2 is in the oven! The Due Date is 6 months from today, November 1st. I plan to my pregnancy updates here, just like I did with Conner.

Scrapbooking

Reflections

Wow I can not believe Conner will be 2 months on Tuesday.  He has changed so much since he was born.  Today I was looking though pictures from the hospital, working on a Shutterfly book, wow has he gotten big.  He is starting to hold his head up really well.  Loves to lay on his play mat and kick his feet, looking at the mirrored octopus.  Conner is smiling more and cooing more often.

He made his first big trip at the beginning of the month.  We went to Minnesota for Easter and he was baptized on Easter Sunday, in the same baptism gown his Grandma, Great-uncle, Mom, Uncle Callen, and my cousin Jamie were all baptized in.  He was awed over by all of his grandmas, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandpas, and many friends.  He did very well on the car ride both there and back, but it helped that we stopped 1/2 way overnight.  Grandma and Grandpa even babysat one night while we went out to dinner with friends.          

I am thanking my lucky stars that Breast Feeding has been going great.  I have been pumping once a day to start a freezer stash of breast milk for when I have to go back to work.  Currently I have almost 90 oz frozen!! Cloth Diapering has also been going great.  We used some home made diapers the first month, until Conner got to big for them.  Now we are almost exclusively using BumGenius 4.0 Diapers (http://www.bumgenius.com/).  We have 24 Diapers and do a load of diaper laundry every other day.  BumGenius Diapers according to there website fit baby's from 7-35 pounds.  We have found we like the snap closures better because they stay on more securely.  I will write more later about the savings of Cloth Diapers not only on the environment but also the wallet.   

I LOVE being home with Conner.  He keeps me laughing and busy.  I am dreading going back to work on the 9th of May.  He will go to daycare starting the 16th.  I love our daycare lady, Elizabeth, so I know he will be in good hands, but I am still nervous about going without him for 10 hours.  I am trying not to focus on that yet and trying to enjoy my time at home with Conner. 

The last few weeks

1 month old

Conner in Mikes Sweater from when he was a baby... Not to Happy

Conner with Quilt from Grandma and Bear from Uncle Callen 

Conner is One Month old.  I cannot believe how fast this month has gone.  He is growing every day and staying more alert.  He follows some noises and toys with his eyes.  He loves music and the sound of a crinkled plastic bag.  To calm him down we put him in the car seat and stroller and take him for a walk with Cora.  Conner likes being in the Ergo and Moby carriers, they make it easy for us to get things done around the house when he wants to be held.  Conner has been sleeping in his crib 95% of the time at night, on his side with a receiving blanket rolled up behind him.  During the day he naps in the Baby Papasan, the swing or being held.  

He is now 100% breast fed and 100% of the time Cloth Diapered.  (Yep I am a Crunchy Mama.) We have decided to go with BumGenious 4.0 Diapers (http://www.bumgenius.com/one-size.php) as our primary Diaper.  So far we have 9 and will slowly add to our stash until we have between 24 and 36.  We do diaper laundry every over day so it is not that big of a hindrance.  

Conner has had lots of visitors this month. Grandma and Grandpa stayed here for 10 days.  Samantha, Hans and Jacob visited for 5 days.  And Great Grandma and Great Grandpa B. came for 3 days.  He also has had lots of Home Town Friends come to visit.

I can't wait to see how he will grow and change this coming month.  I love staying home with him.