St. Patrick's Day

Why is today so hard for me? Actually it started last night.

Thinking about St. Patrick's Day.

Thinking about Callen in a Kilt.

Thinking about Callen playing his Scottish/Celtic Music with the Frizzels.

Thinking this would be the first year Callen could have had a green beer (legally at least). Thinking I could totally see him and Fidge playing in some pub tonight.

Thinking I still can't believe he is gone.

Thinking why am I sad today.

Thinking why can't I be happy.

Thinking how I am supposed to go on living my life without him. He was my other 1/2. We are complete opposites, totally left side-right side. He was the musical, artsy, talented, people person. I am the nerdy, organized, engineering geek, ok by myself person. The book I am currently reading, "The Empty Room: surviving the loss of a brother or sister" by Elizabeth Devita-Raeburn, says that many siblings try to become more like the other sibling to live for them. It also says that sibling try to fulfill the spot in the family that they sibling left, I feel this too. Callen was such a light to the world and our family, how am I supposed to be everything now.

Thinking I hate this.

Thinking this sucks.